Starting Over
I recently celebrated my 45th birthday and as much as I love birthdays.... and cake.... this has been a hard moment in life to accept. The end of 2023 was a big medical mess. I have suffered from chronic migraines since I was a teen and although there are times when they aren't bad, things just got worse and I needed a change. I was missing way too much of my own life. I missed out on family moments, soccer games with epic goals my kids made and hockey games I couldn't cheer at. Many jobs I had to turn down just because I couldn't get out of a cycle of migraines and then healing from it.
After many months of frustration, my husband had helped me find a new doctor and a new chiropractor team. Things started to slowly change and get better. Unfortunately, that is when my anxiety had grown into its own monster. After being in constant pain and exhaustion, I was also being a worry wart as my youngest was trying to fit into a school that was not built for him. After months of trying different things within that school and both my kiddo and I in tears every night, a new door had opened for him to a different school and it felt like we could all finally take a deep breath again and enjoy those hard middle school days.
** Middle school was hard back when I was a kid, but GOOD GRAVY, I feel for kids these days.
As life picked up speed, I felt like my photography life of me was disappearing. I was so caught up in family life and family health, I neglected one of my passions to the point of it feeling like a distant memory of things I once could do..... kind of like when you think back on your childhood and remembering how you used to love climbing trees.
When I was not being part of the family, I invested time into my skating. Skating is my outlet - my therapy- and the one thing that kept me active and spending time with like minded friends. I passed difficult tests, did some performances, trained hard and did a few competitions - which also opened up an old chapter in my life of Makeup again.
A little backstory of that history chapter.
Before my husband and I got married, I was a makeup artist for beauty and glam and worked mostly at a modeling agency that I lived near when I lived in Florida. The money was great and I LOVED being part of the process of creation and watching both the model and photographer, do their work. I had also added to my resume of doing special effects (fx) makeup, which I REALLY loved. There was such a thrill in creating something gooey and spooky. My dream at that time was to work on film sets or at Universal Studios for their Halloween nights. I had created a pretty cool portfolio back then that was a big book of photos from projects I did. Back in the day of 35mm film. Back in the day of negatives. Back in the day of never keeping the negatives and if that photo goes missing, it is gone in the underworld with the missing socks and Tupperware lids. And unfortunately with all the moving I did at that age, lots of things got lost in the mix and never to be seen ever again.
When I got married and we moved here to Idaho, makeup and especially fx makeup was not a thing that people did. I went from big city living to simple slow country life. I LOVED it (still do), but I had to come to terms with that art and craft was not going to survive out here.
Ok so speeding up to last summer... As one can tell, I am no spring chicken anymore. I was never kind to my skin ( I grew up in the 80's and 90s' on the east coast that consisted of baby oil, boom boxes and yard sprinkler) and never have I ever learned about the importance of keeping healthy skin. I was a typical beach blonde girl that wanted to be a pint size girl with that bronze golden glow. Well, after years of laughing at the thought of sun screen and the ungodly amount of neglect I gave to my face.... let's just say I no longer had that young, plump, dewy look. And no matter how many tik toc videos I watched, I was NEVER going to achieve they way the young girls look. The thought of Botox was something I would gladly have done, especially on those darn eleven lines that never relax even if I was in a good mood. But my bank account was not "botox" money. Due to the skating competitions and tests I was doing that summer as well as traveling with family, I needed something that would work with MY skin (damage) and would look good for both skating events and everyday use. **Disclaimer** I am not one that normally wears makeup daily. My style of choice is still sweats, sweatshirts and dry shampoo with messy pony tail. I would get exhausted just thinking about having to put on a bra and clothes that were public acceptable.
Hang in there - I am getting the point.
I kept seeing posts on social media of this makeup company saying "makeup for women in their 40's" and no joke, they made it look like fun and possible to get back that younger look that I envision in my head. At this point, I had collected so much makeup that you would think I was a makeup artist for a whole cheer team. But what I had was a collection of products that just don't fit ME anymore. I researched and googled videos and testimonials like a FBI agent to see if this line was REALLY what all these women were praising about. With my big competition of the year coming up in just a few weeks, I decided to reach out to an artist and get colored match and try out this "miracle makeup". The artist that helped me was available to me through the ordering process, shared information as I waited for my order and guided me through each set when the products arrived. I know I can be a wee bit dramatic, but when I say, "crypt keeper magic!" I am being completely honest of how much I LOVED these products. I could use it for everyday look, glam myself up and be performance ready - and didn't need to pack it all up in a bag that looked like I was a flight attendant going to work. I could not believe how pretty I felt in this makeup - and I didn't need a spatula to put it on or take it off. I had this new inner confidence that I hadn't felt in years! Not only did I love the products, but it also ignited my passion of makeup to come back out, kicking and screaming. It didn't take much thought to know that I NEEDED and WANTED to get back into the makeup industry as an artist. I still loved photography, but I wanted to also share the inner self love it gave me and share that with my friends. The memories of being on a shoot as an artist in my younger years and being blessed to being on film sets during times my kiddo was acting, I KNEW that is what I wanted to get back to.
I don't think it was even 3 days later when I got my products that I signed up with Seint to become an artist. By the time National Showcase arrived, I had all my tools and pallets to take to the competition and do the makeup of the other skaters on my team and myself - it was incredibly fun to not only skate, but to be an artist and create the characters that my skating sisters were skating to.
That was August 2023.
That would be the moment in life where medical issues peaked and life and photography life shifted. In just a weeks after that, my website broke and we tried so hard and so many numerous times to update it and get it back online. Every attempt failed.
Which brings us to today.
I was recently told that not only is my website that I had, no longer available, but ALL my blog posts as well as my Wanderful Memories website were found to be corrupted and gone. Like Gone GONE. And that broke me.
Recently, we had a family scare and emergency that involved my daughter that we had to rush down to Colorado and be by her side. By the grace and miracle of God, the outcome was positive, but that emotional roller coaster started spinning me in a direction that took a moment to process.
Generally, by this time of the year, I am fully booked with a few weddings, senior photos and family sessions as well as training daily for the biggest competition I qualify for - National Showcase.
But this year is different. No competition and no traveling. Today, everything just hit me like a boulder that Andre the Giant could use to crush my head. All of my past blogs - GONE. All the wonderful stories, photos, adventures, and memories that I blogged about - G O N E
It felt like someone had ripped this chapter out of my history book and burned it to ashes. Suddenly I realized that I probably have ruined whatever photography business I had due to health issues and not being 100% present for my clients. My kids are all in their teen stage of life, which is a part of motherhood NO ONE talked about going through; they don't need the type of "smothering" I felt like I was created to be. I stewed in my pity party realizing I also don't have a college education to be qualified enough to be employed. I felt alone... lost... unworthy... untalented... a failure. Where and what am I suppose to do in life now? I see my husband kicking ass and flourishing in his different businesses as well as losing weight! I am over here, eating my feelings of failure in the source of carbs and confused in life.
As a creative person, I NEED to be a part of something outside the life of a mom and wife. They bring me joy and incredible happiness, but, as the song goes, "What was I made for". Sometimes I feel like I spend hours and days trying to push on a door that says pull and today broke me. I am in the eye of a hurricane.
So, as I wait to hear God's plan, I will rebuild that passion that lets me speak without words. My photography.
Here I am starting over.
Are you there God, it's me, Jackie
